Peace Not As The World Gives.

February 10, 2012

I’m sitting here right now, watching the clock, listening to little O whining on the monitor. He slept a whopping 30 minutes this morning (as opposed to his usual 2 hours) and has been crying/fussing/whining ever since. On top of that, he’s been screaming/crying every time we put him down in his crib for the past week, usually for a good 15-20 minutes at bedtime (one night this week it was 45 minutes… I wanted to die). On top of that, he woke over an hour early this morning. On top of that, he refused to nurse OR take a bottle last night, meaning he went 14 hours without eating last night. On top of that, he’s been battling a cold for two weeks. On top of that, he is teething… AGAIN. On top of that, we’ve entered another wonder week. It is the perfect storm.

Every day this week I have been praying… please, just comfort him. Please don’t let him cry so hard before falling asleep. Please just let him get the food & milk he needs. Please, just take care of him & meet all his needs. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless.

I find it no small coincidence that the Lord has been teaching me about peace for the past couple weeks. In care group we’ve been studying John 14: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. On Sunday Pastor Dan gave an excellent sermon on overcoming worry & sinful anxiety, in which I starred like every other point (usually I star one main point to remember throughout the week). Two points I have really been thinking about this week: When you live with anxiety, you live with an orphan mentality. & The more we pray, the less anxious we will be. Throw your cares at the feet of Christ. In small group we are meditating on Psalm 16: I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken… Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. And in the mornings I’ve been reading Romans: For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received the spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’…

Kind of seems like He’s been preparing & girding up my heart for some physical & emotional turmoil, no? It’s been hard. Every night I feel so wiped. When he wakes early or cries so hard when I put him down, I feel the all-too-familiar knots in my stomach, tightness in my chest… the panic setting in. But before it overcomes me, I remember one of those tidbits of scripture or one small but powerful truth that grounds me again. It’s been amazing to see how God is transforming my heart through His Word. Not that I don’t still struggle or feel panicky sometimes (I made Steven stay home from care group this week because O was wailing so hard at bedtime), but it’s so evident to me that He is granting me a sense of that otherworldly peace that He promises. A peace that isn’t dependent on physical circumstances but comes from trusting in God the Father, the One who is perfectly able to care for my little one & also for me.

In the meantime, I’m just telling myself: This too shall pass. It helps that he’s pretty cute too.

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