Lessons in Trust.

October 18, 2009

Steven left for a business trip in New Orleans about four hours ago, which leaves me here home alone for the next 5 days. I’m a bit scared & just sad at the thought of being alone for so long, but I’ll try to make the best of it. I think the hardest thing about being apart is not being able to go to bed together. Already in four months, I have gotten so used to having him beside me when I sleep–the thought of having to go to bed by myself in our dark & empty apartment makes me really sad. I wonder if other wives feel the same? We’ve also developed somewhat of a nighttime routine: washing up, reading a couple psalms, praying together, then a little bit of pillowtalk. (Depending on how tired we are haha. Steven never fails to remind me about the time I drifted off while he was “pouring out his heart to me” haha.)

This became our little routine shortly after our miscarriage. For a few weeks following our loss, I experienced a number of anxiety symptoms & bad dreams. Our future brother-in-law, who is a doctor & biblical counselor (talk about a timely entrance into our family, huh?), advised me to meditate on the psalms during these times & to have Steven read them to me before we went to bed. It was kind of amazing how quickly my bad dreams went away as we sought comfort in His Word & came before Him in prayer each night. My symptoms & bad dreams have pretty much ceased, but I’m so thankful that our nightly routine hasn’t changed. One psalm that we keep coming back to is Psalm 16. This psalm struck my heart & brought me so much joy in a time of sorrow & distress–I can’t seem to move on from it.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

He watches over us & works for us. Even in situations like these, the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. My life is still full–overflowing even–with blessings. There are times when my flesh gets the best of me–I feel I can’t drown out my thoughts of self-pity & despair. But even then He is faithful to replace my sorrow with joy and my thoughts of self with thoughts of Christ. I believe it now much more than I did when I was very young in my faith… in those days, I felt like I could blink and drift away from Him in an instant. And who would save me and bring me back to Him? But now, even in my darkest moments, I feel a certain confidence that I could never wander so far that I am beyond the reach of God–it is He who will save me and bring me back to Himself. Surely all pain and suffering is good and worthwhile if deemed by our loving Father… If He is producing in me a purer faith & devotion to Christ, what more could I ask?

Been reading through another of Elizabeth Prentiss’ books: The Little Preacher. Read a part today that encouraged my heart so. It was a conversation between a young wife & mom named Doris, whose husband is very ill and on the verge of death, and her wise & godly mother, who had learned to love the Lord better through the loss of most of her children & husband:

“But, mother, while God was doing such dreadful things to you, did you keep on loving Him?”
“Keep on! Why, don’t you see, my Doris, that they made me love Him more than ever? For these were the answers to my prayers.”
“Yes, I see. But He does not take such dreadful ways to answer everybody’s prayers.”
“He takes the very best way, my Doris.”

What a beautiful thing to have that kind of peace and trust in the Lord as a result of having been stripped of earthly idols. It gives me hope and comfort that no suffering is in vain, but that it is a means to producing an invaluable faith that cannot be stripped away. What a great & loving God we serve!


6 Responses to “Lessons in Trust.”

  1. joan Says:

    cathie, i’m so encouraged that you’re aiming to see trials as from His loving hand and occasions for greater trust in Him. He only disciplines those He loves. psalm 16 is one of my faves too, thanks for that. praying for you, my dear. :)

  2. jane Says:

    thanks for sharing, cathie! i get scared when ray goes on business trips too :( will pray for you while steven’s gone!

  3. Sue Says:

    Cathie, that entry really blessed me. Psalm 16 has been on my heart recently too for those same reasons. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and your trials!

  4. Jules Says:

    Very sweet entry, how else would we know how satisfying the Lord is unless he makes us hungry for Him? I’m glad the Lord can help you put your trust in Him…you can always spend the nights here!

  5. charissa Says:

    so good!
    call me this week if you’re bored!
    btw, the baby shower decor looks so cute!! great job!!!

  6. Minna Says:

    Oh Cathie, I’m so thankful for your blog. I know this is a little late, but I loved reading this. Psalm 16 has been a great comfort to me as well, and I’m amazed by how sweet and powerful it can be to us whatever the circumstance. Thank you for writing and sharing with us.

    Btw, I still get scared/ sad without Dan, even after 13 years. :)

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